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Whitewater Using Exploding Samsung Phones for Avalanche Control

With every ski resort pushing to reduce their carbon footprint, Nelson’s Whitewater ski resort may now be the leader. After spending years searching for the greenest possible options for their avalanche blasting operations, they may have found the cleanest solution yet. This fall, the mountain collaborated with Samsung to find a practical use for millions of the tech giant’s recalled phones.

Senior patroller Jason Wishlow spoke very enthusiastically about the success of last months trial run. “I was initially turned off of the idea of blasting cornices with defective phones, but it’s actually working out great. They’re light weight, shaped to fit in the your hand, and are made of 100% post consumer waste. You can remotely detonate them by a simple text message. And it’s so cool when you do it by texting the bomb emoji.”

100% post consumer bomb.

100% post consumer bomb.

 

“I like the eggplant emoji because it looks like a penis,” interrupted Paul Williamson from the back of the patrol room. He hasn’t worked for five years but, like many retired patrollers, for some reason still hangs out at his old workplace. Paul is currently being investigated by the resort for downloading the Tinder app onto a few hundred of the explosive devices and sending out provocative messages under his profile name, Kirk Jensen.

Though things in the new remote digital explosives world are now working well for Whitewater, it got off to a rocky start. “I didn’t read the fine print and it turns out the first 300 phones we purchased were on a two year contract. Thanks a pant-load, Telus.” An upset operations manager, Colby Lehman, continued. “We also had one phone fail to detonate and I had to trouble-shoot it by calling the Telus help line. After listening to hold music for an hour, I was told they would explode better if I ordered their satellite TV and landline bundle.”

As this project continues with positive results, Samsung remains the undisputed leader in the combusting phone industry. Expect to see numerous Galaxy Note 7s at a ski hill or potential terrorist near you.

Paul Williamson pocket-dialed while Colby was delivering the phones to the ski hill. We wish Colby a speedy recovery.

Paul Williamson pocket-dialed while Colby was delivering the phones to the ski hill. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Editor’s Note: If you haven’t already figured out this is a satire post, there’s no hope for you. Just go skiing. 

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