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Whistler Housing Authority Creates Database Proving Your Roommate Didn’t Hit Air Jordan

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SatireTomfoolery

For the young skier, no one has worked harder to find you an affordable home than the The Whistler Housing Authority (WHA). They ensure the people who work in Whistler can afford to live there as well. Because of the organization, young people have been able to purchase their first home and retirees can afford to stay in the area.

But for anyone who has lived in Whistler for a season or two, they know the biggest threat to being able to live in Whistler isn’t finding affordable housing. It’s finding tolerable roommates. For some reason, Whistler “locals” have no problem with perpetually bragging about how sick their day was. As the 2017 ski season kicks off, WHA makes another heroic move in improving housing conditions. This time introducing a database proving what your roommate did and didn’t ski.

The program works by tracking your whereabouts via the GPS locator on your smart phone. It then logs your activity on a spreadsheet that’s available for download. The microphone on the phone records the lines they’ve claimed to have skied and compares it to the lines the GPS confirmed they’ve actually shredded.

“We hope this will keep the smack-talk in the Sea-to-Sky corridor at an all-time low,” says WHA representative Chuck Benzley. He puts it bluntly, but in a way we can all understand:

“Hitting cliffs is like masturbating: If you’re a guy in Whistler, we’re all pretty sure you do it. But you don’t go around telling everyone about it. That’s almost as bad as filming it and putting it on the internet.”

Benzley continues, “We’re not trying to stop anybody from doing anything. We just want to get them to shut up about it.”

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Screen grab of WHA’s new anti-shit-talking-roommate database validating Whistler Blackcomb’s classic lines and airs.

Of course any surveillance story wouldn’t be complete without a reference to the NSA and Big Brother. When asked, Edward Snowden had a very strong opinion about the WHA’s new program: “Finally someone is using all this mass data gathering and surveillance for the right reasons. I used the site to check up on Glenn Greenwald’s ski trip last winter. Ha. Knew he never skied Fissile. That guy is all talk.”

When my old Whistler roommate heard the news of the new program, his tone changed to a more humble and tolerable one. “Bro, I just was thinking. I think I might’ve tweaked my knee pretty bad a second ago and might have to take it a lot more easy this year. Probably can’t hit Demanskis or the Dominator every day like I used to. You know I would be flipping off that shiz bro, but…….. ahh hell, no one believes me anyways. I suck.”

If you’ve experienced a loud-mouthed roommate in the Whistler area, please add their claim in the comments below. WHA’s promises to test it for validity and expose the liars for who they are. If you don’t have a roommate like that, maybe the loud-mouth bragger is you.

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*Note: If you haven’t clued in already, this is a satire post, and no this app doesn’t exist… yet.

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