Trump Buys Lake Louise in Order to Make Skiing Great Again
As you may have already heard, from other left wing media outlets who are contributing millions to the Clinton campaign, Donald J. Trump recently announced the purchase of Banff, Alberta’s Lake Louise Resort. The billionaire celebrity has historically invested in golf clubs and casinos, so this will be the first time Trump buys into the ski world. He spoke yesterday on why he chose to purchase the resort known to be the birthplace of skiing in the Rockies.
“First of all, I love beautiful women and Louise is an 8 or 9 out of 10. She’s almost sixty years old, so she reminds me of my mother-in-law. Second of all, I was impressed with the giant wall-ride in the terrain park and I…….folks…. you know, I know skiing better than anyone. Better than Glen Schmidt or Scott Plake….. anyone. And I know Alberta’s lost a lot of jobs because of Crooked Hillary’s oil deal with the Saudis, but I’m going to make (sniff) Alberta great again.”
He rambled on about the many great things skiing has lost, like the innuendo of a woman wearing rear entry boots and how buffs and balaclavas look too much like hijabs. He left the press conference by private helicopter after mumbling that his name should be printed in gold on all the lift towers.
All was silent regarding the deal, until three am this morning when his twitter feed starting sending a barrage of confusing and uneducated texts about his purchase of Lake Louise.
Hillary’s handlers advised her not to get involved in another twitter war so close to the election, but Vermont senator and primary candidate Bernie Sanders had to respond. Bernie grew up skiing Mad River Glen and used to vacation at Lake Louise with his family. He spoke out on the issue at the very poorly attended first annual “Beans for Bernie” Democratic Party vegan potluck. “The top one percent make up ninety-nine percent of the world’s gorbies. These punters should not be able to impose their goggle gapery on the middle class who just want to slay some pow and maybe poach a hot tub.”
Note from the editor: If you can’t tell this is a satire news update, there’s no hope for humanity.