Ross Rebagliati Celebrates 20 Years Of No One Remembering Who Ross Rebagliati Is
Let me take you back to the 90s. A time when snowboarding was so counter culture you couldn’t do it in the Olympics wearing ski boots and a race suit without being thought of as a punk. But after Whistler hero Ross Rebagliati won the gold member, the perception changed. He was a young good-looking kid clad in norm core Roots apparel. But it didn’t take long for perception to change back when trace amounts of marijuana were found in his drug test. It was an international controversy and the first time many Canadian families talked together about pot use.
The 2018 Winter Olympics mark the twenty year anniversary of no one remembering or caring about Ross’s win or his controversy. Sven Ballock of the I.O.C. (International Olympic Committee) commemorated the anniversary in a press release yesterday. “I’m so glad to honor this event. Since 1998 we have had very little mishaps with anything interesting in the Olympics. In 1988 we had the Jamaican Bobsled Team and in 1994 we had Tonya Harding. These are two other incidents which resulted in viewers learning about individual personalities. We can’t let the athletes take the spotlight from the sponsors who are paying millions to advertise at our event.”
The I.O.C. has admitted skiing and snowboarding have been particular difficult to strip out the personality in comparison to more conventional sports such as biathlon and speed skating. Ballock continued, “You have no idea how hard it is to take a freeski athlete that is used to the freedom of doing whatever he wants on the mountain and tell him he needs to cross his skis at a forty-five degree angle when he does a spin or he gets docked points. And many of these crossed out positions cover the logos on their race bib.”
Rebagliati was unavailable for comment, but many Whistler locals are speculating his controversy could be the last somewhat interesting thing ever to happen in the Olympics. Local Konrad Tripp explained, “Sure Shawn White’s pipe run in 2010 was pure fire and skier-cross is sick, but Olympics will never have another Snowboard racer who swears he doesn’t smoke pot win gold and then open a marijuana dispensary named after the world’s most famous pot-smoking snowboarder – himself.”
Tripp is making a call to action to all freeskiing Olympians. “We’re all counting on you, hoping someone at this years Olympics will have the balls to do something remotely interesting.”
Rebagliatti, controversially wearing the red colour representing his gang, The Bloods. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
Editors Note: This if of course a piece of satire.