Red Mountain Vs. Whitewater Argument Resolved!
There has always been a feud between neighboring ski hills Red Mountain and Whitewater. So much so that the two resorts have reached the status of old married couple. To break them out of their constant bickering at each other, I invited two of my friends to represent their home resort in what I would hope to be the final argument between who is better.
Your votes in the comment section will crown who is the winner. So let me introduce you to our esteemed debaters.
Rossland has a huge guy to girl ratio, so no doubt he’s a master debater, representing big vert, huge terrain, and a rich history of skiing, Colby Lewis.
From Nelson, which means she’s originally from suburban Ontario, representing a fat base at the hill and at the nightclubs, I present Ms. Danielle “Danny” Whelan.
Colby will start with his opening argument.
Colby: In Rossland we have nothing. No girls, no jobs, no future, and no population growth. All we have is a huge frucking mountain with nobody on it. And it gets worse. They just added another lift where no one else will be. The lift up Grey adds 1000 more acres to the resort, making Red over double the size of Whitewater. And all of that terrain is fun to ski. Steep, North facing tree chutes, glades, and lots of cliffs to jump off. We’ve got the terrain, and lots of it.
Danny: Good argument Colby. Rossland does have nothing. I mean compared to Whitewater, you have no snow and no backcountry. Our hill is smaller, but it accesses so much backcountry terrain – in fact our resort acreage together with our backcountry access total trumps yours. And we get more snowfall almost every storm. Our snow is lighter and fluffier, but that’s because there’s trace amounts of Teck Cominco’s lead in yours.
Colby: That’s right. Teck Cominco is great for skiing. You get beautiful seas of clouds as soon as you above the smog line. Hey Danny, how high do you have to go to get above Nelson’s Ontario-white-rasta-hippie-weed-smoke line? And You guys brag about such great food at your lodge. Your stoned ski culture has a constant case of the munchies. Futhermore, your runs are so intermediate I wonder why they haven’t changed the hill’s name to Bluewater. Was the Sprollers cliff always there, or did you guys have to do a bottle drive and hire one of Nelson’s many out-of-work sculptors to make it?
Danny: To answer your first question, the Ontario-weed-smoke line is located at the Selkirk College Ski Resort Operations and Management building. We import students from out East and take their money for two years in hopes of one day employing them as a liftie. Sure this “Austrailianization” costs them a bunch, but it brings a lot of cash to the community. Money for things you can buy…..in stores. Does Rossland even have any stores? And yes we have plenty of cliffs. Unfortunately many are buried under hundreds of centimeters of snow, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, now would you? Our cafeteria is also quite unique. Unlike yours, we use actual food, and not all items end with the word “dog.” Its as if you’re serving Korean cuisine.
I have some unfortunate information for Red Mountain. I just talked to the World Wildlife Federation about your early season conditions. It appears with your inferior snow coverage, the amount of bamboo your patrol had to use to mark hazards has resulted in indefinite closure of the resort. Anything with that amount of bamboo has to be sanctioned as panda bear habitat.
Colby: Oh God, is there going to be another Nelson City Hall protest? You’re so concerned about animals, yet I can’t walk my dog down Baker Street? And you can’t swing a digeridoo there without hitting someone in a poncho. Do your ski stores sell Gore-tex ones?
Sure I went out one night in Nelson. I believe I was at the Spirit Bar listening to DJ Car Alarm. The crowd loved him. Well, they really just liked the blurps his computer was making while he was wearing headphones and checking his Facebook. The only good part of the night is that I took home some floozy holding the Eckhart Tolle book, “Live in the Now.” Someone who just read that can’t say no to anything and won’t worry about the awkwardness of the morning after. And it was so awkward. I mean I’ve had my eggs all kinds of ways for breakfast, but I’ve never had them vegan before.
Danny: Well that morning I had my eggs fertilized. Thanks so much for reminding me about that incredibly romantic night. I give some credit to the power of now, and to the 5 vodka paralyzers you bought me. Also thanks for not wrapping it up that night.
Colby: You wouldn’t let me wear a condom because you said it was made of lambskin! Anyways, because of your belief in manifesting your own reality, wouldn’t it be a child of the Universe?
Danny: Yes, it would
Colby: Than let the Universe pay the child support! And thanks for coming over to visit never!
Danny: Well, maybe if you would get some decent snowfall I would.
Colby: Well I’m not coming over and skiing two turns than traversing to a double chair with a fifteen-minute lineup.
Danny: Well actually, I’m heading to Rossland Sunday to visit my new boyfriend, Gary Comossi.
Colby: I’m actually dating the guy with the beard, staff and poncho who roams Baker Street. No big deal. Can you handle that?
Danny: Oh the guy I dumped because he wasn’t enough man for me? He reminded me of you. Speaking of pussies, How’s the cat-accessed skiing up White Wolf Ridge coming along?
Colby: Ten Bucks a pop gets you a cat ski run. Do you have twenty bucks?
Danny: Wanna go?
Colby: Red has Daycare.
Danny: See you at the base at 10
Colby: 10 o’clock Kootenay Time. So did our kid get a Nelson name or a normal name?
Danny: Normal Nelson name: Kale Smoothie Whelan.
Okay, maybe this is a bogus debate I made up. But I really just wanted to state that we are idiots for arguing over whether Nelson or Rossland is a better ski town.
Rossland is a nice small town that, in the winter, is 100% skiing. The town is alive when it’s snowing and anxious when it doesn’t. Red is big. It has big vert fall line skiing off all aspects of the mountain, lots of cliffs and some good big mountain backcountry on Mt. Roberts. They’ve just expanded their terrain by 1000 acres by putting a lift up Mt. Grey. To top it off, they also offer Sclat (slackcountry cat) skiing for ten bucks a ride. It has long been a training ground for World Cup racers, probably because of the strength needed to ski all of it’s terrain. As Nancy Greene, who trained there, said, “At Red Racing was the easy part. Skiing to the start gate was much harder.”
TGR Filming at Red for their 2013 release, Way of Life
Nelson is the boutique ski town. Far more metropolitan, with artisan stores and trendy coffee shops strewn through a franchise-free Main Street. Though Red Mountain gets more snow than most resorts in North America, Whitewater still trumps Red each year. It’s mountain is smaller, but is the gateway to far more slackcountry skiing than Red. It’s cafeteria food is gourmet – perhaps the best restaurant in Nelson. Nelson also has more girls than guys and is the only ski town to hold that stat. And to top that, the Operations Manager is Kirk Jensen from the 90s RAP Films ski movies.
Whitewater Promo Video. Look hard enough and you just might the legendary Kirk Jensen
So if you’re still going to make this argument, I suggest you just go and move to the industry town between the two: Castlegar. An hour North is Whitewater. Forty-five minutes South is Red Mountain. The rent is cheep, the scene is almost non-existent, and everyone at either ski town will be scared of you. The Gar is where you can come, jack up your truck, throw a sled on the back, burn out at every street light, and also be mayor. Welcome home.
If your promo video doesn’t have someone carving a 90s Arctic Cat and an old guy water skiing, I’m not visiting your town.