The Logical Fallacies of Preseason Training
Every fall, a ragtag assembly of crusty skiers attempt to disavow their vices of pizza and Netflix in the hopes of pursuing a more dignified routine of getting “fit” for the upcoming winter. Like clockwork, right after indulging in the gluttony of turkey dinner and turkey sale paraphernalia on Thanksgiving weekend, these folks ironically pursue a more holistic and visceral month of cleansing in the hopes of creating some sort of illusion of balance in their life.
Indeed, even yours truly falls prey to this cyclical right of passage that winds itself to the opening weekend of the mountain. Every year it’s the same: a sudden self-actualizing moment blanched in perhaps a few too many IPA’s leads to the conclusion that it’s time to really drop the hammer and get serious about getting fit and healthy for the upcoming winter season. This moment more often than not falls after an as mentioned glutenous weekend of turkey and wine. And so, for the sake of self-deprecation and a few laughs at the expense of myself and many others, it’s time to go over the fallacies that pertain to the ritual of “preseason training”.
Gym Pass Impermanence Fallacy
Unfortunately, this is the most widespread of preseason fallacies and also one of the most expensive. For whatever reason, every September, a cohort of crusty ski bums decides to buy a gym pass at the local recreation center and only ends up using it twice. When we reached out to Meadow Park Sports Centre to ask if they ever feel guilty about the annual racking in of cash by people who never really use their services, the only tangible answer received was a string of maniacal and evil laughs.
The 2 Pump Chump SpinBike Fallacy
If you spend more than 5 minutes at a gym in the fall, you will surely come across a classic pre-season view: a young 20 something year old park skier in sweatpants hops on a spin bike for 5 minutes of casual riding and then calls it a day. No one is sure about what is getting accomplished during this ritual but it seems to keep them happy and fulfilled in life so it’s best to leave them be.
This fallacy occurs when the subject attempts to get in shape at the gym but ends up stuck on their phone the whole time and doesn’t actually get anything done. This fallacy has unfortunately increased exponentially in recent years; experts believe this is due to the creation of Tinder. In fact, even renowned has-been and Doglotion friend Jonny Law has been caught redhanded in this fallacy.
Though previously known to exclusively eat Fat Tony’s blue cheese pizza and Mcdonalds, the pre-season athlete for whatever reason switches gear and tries to eat a healthy diet for a few weeks. Despite the fact that eating more lettuce for a week or two only to relapse one drunken fall evening and end up back at Fat Tony’s won’t do much for one’s health, this fallacy is fervent in the way that it attacks. How will you know if your friend has fallen prey to this fallacy and gone vegan? Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you. They’ll f@#kin’ tell you.
Yoga – Namaste Fallacy
It’s been noted that this fallacy is often accompanied with the “Herbovorian Fallacy”. For whatever reason, one who tries to switch to an ultra-healthy diet also ends up taking up yoga during that period as well. More often than not, this fallacy begins with someone buying a 2 week trial pass at Yyoga that they only end up using twice and culminates with them spraying about their “mindful living” and anti-consumerist inclinations whilst ironically buying $120 Lululemon leggings.
The Ale-Attachment Fallacy
Okay, this one hits a little too close to home for those of us at Doglotion. Speaking from personal experience, this fallacy is one of the hardest to break. Every fall, in order to get fit, save money, and get one’s life together, the victim of this fallacy will attempt to stop drinking. In reality, at the slightest hint of a social gathering, this attempt at sobriety goes flying out the window along with the victim’s wallet. $30 cab? Screw it, get me home. This whole craft beer movement doesn’t make it any easier either.
I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, we’re all not perfect. It’s human nature. I’m not trying to demean anybody who’s trying to better themselves but simply poking fun at the cyclical tendencies of our pre season rituals. So props to those people who aren’t me who are actually staying consistent with their pre-season regimes! I applaud your dedication and will see you on the hill.