Glen Plake Detained at US Airport due to History of Extremism
Upon returning home from the French Alps, freeski pioneer Glen Plake was held at JFK airport for over seventeen hours. Much like many other American citizens affected by tightening immigration laws and travel bans, Plake was held by airport security until they could confirm he wasn’t currently a national threat.
“The first thing that got us concerned was how his own Wikipedia page stated he is a pioneer of extremism,” said customs officer Daryl Bunksley. “It also stated in 2006 he spent considerable time in the mountains in India. That’s only two countries away from Afghanistan and was enough to hold him for further questioning.”
Plake’s enthusiasm and willingness to be a spokesperson for the sport of skiing only made things worse.
Trent Strontword of Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) was brought in to lead the investigation. “Mr. Plake was overly confident – I knew he would be tough to crack. I started by asking about his history of extremism. He said he didn’t like the term and it should be replaced with the word ‘Free’.” Reading the transcript from the recorded conversation, Strontword quoted Plakes words: “I’m still up to my old antics, but I’m not willing to die out there anymore, unlike how the younger kids seem to be. I just try being a mentor to them.” According to Strontword, “Glen Plake admits and is even proud of radicalizing youth.”
Though the interrogation went through the night, Plake continually gave long elaborate answers about his life’s misadventures. Officer Bunksley assisted with the questioning and also failed to intimidate Plake. “I told him that extremism was taken very seriously in this country. He just cackled and corrected me. According to him, it’s all about having a few laughs when you’re out there killing it with your bros. As an immigration officer, I couldn’t help feeling threatened. He openly told us he hates ICE, but will shred it once he sharpens up.”
Strontword, still shaken from the ordeal, added, “We tried to strike a deal with him. I said to give me the name of the biggest extreme Muslim he knows. He told me Ahmet’s brother goes huge. Just what the hell does that mean?”
Though he has been linked to a history of extreme behavior accompanying the Donner Summit, Plake was released due to lack of evidence that he would be a threat. After ordering the release, Strontwood seemed relieved, but still confused. “Something just didn’t fit. How could Glen Plake be a radical extremist and win three hot dog contests? That’s haram, right?
NOTE: This is obviously a satire piece, not meant to offend or confuse anyone. Just taking the piss and eating it too, no wait, is that how it goes?