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BREAKING: Vail Runs Out Of Ways to Make Whistler Better, But Spends $66 Million Anyway

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Fresh in the news today, Vail Resorts proudly announced that since Whistler Blackcomb is so clearly the undisputed titan of ski resorts in north America, they’ve simply run out of ways to make the resort better.

But never complacent and always looking for opportunities to progress the progression of progressiveness, Vail announced they will strategically invest $66 million into getting more people up the mountain while ensuring that no extra lift-accessed terrain would be created.

We caught Whistler Blackcomb CEO, Rodney Dangerfield, to get the scoop on the new strategy:

“Skiers in Whistler don’t want lifts to cool places anymore. Just look at the skiers on Blackcomb and you’ll see what I mean,” said Rodney, explaining that “everyone and their dog has ski touring gear and they could care less about the alpine chairlifts. I mean we purposely kept Blackcomb’s alpine lifts closed for the last three weeks and these folks are still skiing Blackcomb! They’re just walking up-hill for Christ’s sake!”

When we probed what that had to do with anything, Rodney continued “Well the solution was obvious. Lets just keep the Alpine lifts shut all season then, and put more money into getting people onto the mountain’s intermediate runs and family zones. I mean what better way to improve the core ski experience than by cramming more people into the family zone? It has safety and freedom written all over it.”

This map doesn’t show any new lifts. We were going to try to add some colours and lift for dramatic effect but we couldn’t find room.

Luckily for long-time Whistler locals the changes don’t stop there; the fixed-grip, triple Catskinner Chair will also be upgraded to a high-speed quad.

Dangerfield explained “local kids keep calling Catskinner the ‘slow roast chair’. Now I may not be a park rat but this ain’t my first rodeo either. I know darn well what ‘slow roast’ means and we’re not going to let Whistler Blackcomb turn out like Colorado. [awkward pause while we both absorb the irony of his statement].” He regressed: “anyway the point is, you can’t make the best ski terrain in North America any better, but we obviously can’t stop tooting our horn in capital investment press releases either, now can we?”

Somewhere up above the new lifts. Photo by Jameson Florence.

After such an eloquent moment, we let him quit while he was ahead and we suggested we all go for a lap together instead. Most of us threw our climbing skins on and unlocked our heels, while Rodney traversed over to the 7th Heaven Express line-up. We enjoyed three balls-deep self-propelled laps off the Horstman Glacier, and as of press time Rodney was still standing at 7th Heaven waiting for lift staff to show up.

If you’re up there this weekend you might want to bring him some hot chocolate.

Sources say there was talk of a new T-Bar up this classic run, but posts didn’t quite fit. Photo by @DJDakota. Rider = Mikey Nixon.

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