Backcountry Gear Hacks: Breaking Bad… Ski Conditions With Homemade Face Shots

Sometimes winter isn’t really that wintery. Though we try, we can’t rely on snowfall like we used to. During the recent Pineapple Express, I decided we needed to stop relying on nature to take its course and just do it ourselves.

Inspired by the thousands of people who strap GoPros to their poles so they can narcissistically drool at the sight of themselves being hit with face shots, the following is an inexpensive formula to getting barreled in cold smoke no matter what the conditions area or the weather is doing.

You’ll need the following:

• Raw sugar.
• One bottle of salt peter, most often found at Shopper Drug Marts. If they ask what you’re using it for, say it’s for your Grandmas pickling recipe. They don’t want to sell it to people who might be making explosives with it.
• Old frying pan and spoon you don’t need anymore
• Ski pole
• Lighter

Take equal parts of salt peter and sugar and place them into the frying pan. Set stove on low to medium heat (don’t set it on high unless you want it to have an explosion in your kitchen) and stir constantly, making sure it never gets too hot.

After about 20-30 minutes, you’ll have something that looks like molasses. Use the spoon to scoop the brown paste onto the pole’s basket. Wait ten minutes for it to cool. Get your ski gear on.

Get to the top of the busiest run, ideally one with lots of women and children. Hold you’re lighter on the brown paste until it starts to spatter and smoke. Start shredding. Marvel at their jealous looks as you’re getting pow blown overhead as they pick their way down hardpack.

Benefits to Smoking Pole:

• Face-shots anytime, anywhere.

Cons to Smoking Pole:

• May decrease sexual function (salt peter has historically been used to decrease libido).
• Burns skin and melts Gore-Tex.
• Leads to chronic head-aches.

The bottom line is, when you’re horny for snow, do you really want to have a libido? Chemical headaches and burns still beat ice cream headaches and frostbite. For fifteen bucks worth of supplies you can have hero snow all year round.

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