Whistler Rumour Mill Catches Fire. Thousands of Reputations Destroyed
The festive nature of Halloween shifted to a more solemn tone after a massive blaze engulfed the cherished Whistler Rumour Mill and burned it to the ground. The local attraction had been a staple in the community and, since the mid-90s, has provided the much needed status and praise to emerging skiers and snowboarders.
“The great thing about the mill is that it was completely community run. We provided the fuel and fertilizer and helped spread it’s great product throughout the Sea to Sky,” said a broken-hearted Alex Bevans. The 23 year-old left Burlington, Ontario two years ago as an out-of-work lousy skier. But thanks to the mill he became an independent businessperson between contracts who is one of the sickest shredders on the mountain. “The product the rumour mill made was more than real. It was totally unreal. But now that it’s gone, I have to return to being an unemployed, horrible skier.”
Though the local Chamber of Commerce claimed the mill produced zero taxable income, the recent loss of the landmark and the great product it produced will be felt for decades. It’s great rumours included: Disease Ridge was named after Harvey Weinstein’s medical report, snowblading is a sport, and the annual “It’s definitely going to be a sick year… I just know these things.”
Though fire crews responded in record time, there was little they could do. “We’re not sure what started the blaze, but we suspect it was overloaded by excessive La Ninia 2018 talk,” Fire Chief Lance Buckford told Doglotion. “I had a lot of fond memories of working there as a kid, so it was hard to see it just go up like that. I was the one who engineered the rumor that Dual Mountain is a secret peak where the Illuminati perform battles to the death, and that the Callaghan Valley was named after Sergeant Callahan from Police Academy. Man I loved those movies.”
In true Whistler fashion, the community has banded together and promised to rebuild their beloved mill. Project Manager Greg Smutward ensures that this time it will be built with less inflammatory materials. “The foundation will be a hybrid blend of half-truths and innuendo. The main floor will consist of hollow single-sided opinions. And the exterior will be a healthy layer of fireproof absolute bullshit.”
To donate to the crowdfunding campaign to rebuild the rumor mill, simply tell everyone on the Creekside bus that you’re the best skier on the mountain… but kind of have a bad knee so you can’t really prove it this season.