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Vail Resorts to “Tag and Track” All Long-time Whistler Locals

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It’s not just the seasons that are changing. After a year-long transitional period, Vail Resorts is now officially in charge of Whistler Blackcomb.

And while it’s still uncertain what effect the Colorado-based company will have on North America’s best ski resort, Doglotion has received a hot tip from a local biologist:

All Season’s Passes will come with a mandatory collar for anyone who’s been riding on the resort for more than three seasons.

Here’s how it works:

  • Speeds that exceed 69 km/hr within the resort will trigger a sustained electrical shock of 420 volts.
  • Skiing runs that aren’t named on the trail map will trigger the same response. (Don’t worry, Cougar’s Milk is still safe).
  • The smell of reefer smoke will cause the unit to explode immediately.
  • All airtime will be logged. Once the cumulative max of 45 feet per season is reached, your pass will be deactivated.
  • The collar’s microphone will record all badmouthing of Vail Resorts, as will ultra-sensitive recording devices on each lift tower. 10 offences will be punished with a two year dishwashing sentence at Glacier Creek Lodge. 20 offences will be punished with a season of skiing in Colorado.
  • The collar has a barcode reader…Anyone with a jacket that’s worth less than $700 can only ski on Tuesdays.
  • Whenever you get within 10 feet of a TV, the unit will automatically tune into reruns of Lynsey Dyer’s Après Ski.
  • Once you exceed 30 days on the mountain, a computer program will automatically email your resume to all prospective employers.

Yes, we know it seems harsh. But Vail knows best. And we couldn’t be happier that they’ve come to grace us with their expertise.

*nervously checks ill-fitting collar

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