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This is your Boardin’ on Drugs

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Drug use in mountain culture? Well I have NEVER…or maybe I have a couple of times…or maybe I’ve seen other people doing it…or maybe I’m making it all up for the sake of a good story…

(RIGHT, MOM?!?!?)

Either way, I’ll dispense with the anxious laughter and drop a few takeaways (fictional and otherwise) from drug use on the slopes.

Photo: Mark Warner/Low Pressure Podcast

Alcohol: If we’ve learned anything from Gaper Day (which we have), it’s that 3-6 beers can lead to a newfound appreciation for hot-doggin’ under the chair.

Any more beers than that, however, will make everyone assume you just moved here from Australia.

Conclusion: CAUTION!

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Weed: A few on-hill “stingers” will make you less likely to yell at tourists and more likely to seek out low-angle powder runs and forget where you parked your van at the end of the day.

Conclusion: If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why are there locks on the doors?

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Liquid LSD: Occasionally served on hot dogs at the Sun Pit at Kicking Horse in the spring. At least, that’s what my friends told me, two years after the fact.

Conclusion: Helluva condiment.

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Mushrooms: Similar to LSD, only less of a commitment. Great for cackling hysterically in backcountry huts and getting scolded retroactively on the South Coast Touring facebook page.

Conclusion: Sharesies.

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Cocaine: Hard to find on the slopes, mostly because your “guy” has nowhere to park his vehicle.

Conclusion: These are not the face powders you’re looking for.

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MDMA: Great for striking up chat with strangers on the lift, especially if the chat includes telling Gary-the-dentist-from-Chicago that you love him.

Conclusion: “Anyone looking for a single?!”

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Ketamine: is like Karaoke for me. Never have, never will.

Except once.

Conclusion: Livin’ on a Prayer.

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Heroin: If you’re a snowboarder riding with skiers, Heroin is a great way to slow everyone down so they stop ditching you while you do up your bindings.

Conclusion: If your skier friends take it first, they’re unlikely to notice that you’re only pretending to.

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Glue: This easy-to-find inhalant is like the Kraft Dinner of drugs. Cheap and dirty, but surprisingly delicious with the right amount of ketchup.

Conclusion: Wait, what?

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Anyways, I could go on all day. But I’ll leave it to you to make up your own jokes about smoking crack while you’re waiting for Spanky’s to open.

And I suppose it’s worth mentioning that actual drug use on the slopes is only funny until it isn’t.

Why get high on meth when you can get high on life instead?

 

 

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