This is your Boardin’ on Drugs
Drug use in mountain culture? Well I have NEVER…or maybe I have a couple of times…or maybe I’ve seen other people doing it…or maybe I’m making it all up for the sake of a good story…
Either way, I’ll dispense with the anxious laughter and drop a few takeaways (fictional and otherwise) from drug use on the slopes.
Alcohol: If we’ve learned anything from Gaper Day (which we have), it’s that 3-6 beers can lead to a newfound appreciation for hot-doggin’ under the chair.
Any more beers than that, however, will make everyone assume you just moved here from Australia.
Weed: A few on-hill “stingers” will make you less likely to yell at tourists and more likely to seek out low-angle powder runs and forget where you parked your van at the end of the day.
Conclusion: If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why are there locks on the doors?
Liquid LSD: Occasionally served on hot dogs at the Sun Pit at Kicking Horse in the spring. At least, that’s what my friends told me, two years after the fact.
Conclusion: Helluva condiment.
Mushrooms: Similar to LSD, only less of a commitment. Great for cackling hysterically in backcountry huts and getting scolded retroactively on the South Coast Touring facebook page.
Cocaine: Hard to find on the slopes, mostly because your “guy” has nowhere to park his vehicle.
Conclusion: These are not the face powders you’re looking for.
MDMA: Great for striking up chat with strangers on the lift, especially if the chat includes telling Gary-the-dentist-from-Chicago that you love him.
Conclusion: “Anyone looking for a single?!”
Ketamine: is like Karaoke for me. Never have, never will.
Conclusion: Livin’ on a Prayer.
Heroin: If you’re a snowboarder riding with skiers, Heroin is a great way to slow everyone down so they stop ditching you while you do up your bindings.
Conclusion: If your skier friends take it first, they’re unlikely to notice that you’re only pretending to.
Glue: This easy-to-find inhalant is like the Kraft Dinner of drugs. Cheap and dirty, but surprisingly delicious with the right amount of ketchup.
Conclusion: Wait, what?
Anyways, I could go on all day. But I’ll leave it to you to make up your own jokes about smoking crack while you’re waiting for Spanky’s to open.
And I suppose it’s worth mentioning that actual drug use on the slopes is only funny until it isn’t.
Why get high on meth when you can get high on life instead?