Kaepernick Kneeling

NFL Protests Cause a Surge in Telemark Equipment Sales

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Satire

The resurgence in what was considered a dying sport has shocked the ski industry this fall. Telemark boots and bindings, as well as soft-shell pants, are flying off the shelves and suppliers can’t keep up.

Sales quadrupled after the September 23rd weekend when US Prime Minister Donald Trump denounced protesting NFL players, resulting in a large portion of the league taking a knee during the National Anthem. Numerous players have stated the gesture is to protest the killing of young black men by police in America. Nevertheless, the trend has caught on in the ski world.

“It’s great to see NFLers uniting with the telemark community. We both want the same thing – respect for an under-appreciated group of people who just want to be treated as equals,” telemarker and Volkswagen Westfalia resident Leaf Buckthorn told Doglotion yesterday. Buckthorn says his kneeling has distanced other skiers from him. “No one waits for me when I have to de-ice my bindings. I get no complements when I do alpine turns on my tele gear, which is really hard. And when I break a binding cable, no one downloads with me. They just keep skiing like it would be more fun out there without me.”

Though Colin Kaepernick has remained unsigned in the 2017 football season, he’s been inundated with a steady stream of endorsement offers from telemark companies, including Voile and G3. “He’s just what we’re looking for,” said Trevor Dentwood, owner of Heelbent, a boutique telemark binding company. “Kaepernick is a great athlete, smart, well spoken, and to put it simply, he could be the first non-white telemark skier in the world. It’s just what the sport needs.”

Though the offers keep rolling in, Kaepernick continues to state he’s not interested. “Yeah, I’m outta work, but I hope to be back on the field real soon. I also appreciate these other offers companies are sending my way, but they’re not for me. Don’t forget why I started this protest. And why so many people want me to be a telemarketer for their cross country ski gear is beyond me.”

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