half-pipe-saturday

Homophobic Big Mountain Skier Denies Riding Pipe

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Satire

There has always been some animosity between big mountain and park skiers. None have created as much tension as Eric Ralpherton. He’s known as Whistler’s most outspoken big mountain skier, being vocally against both homosexuality and park skiing. According to Ralpherton, skiers mixing in with snowboarders is unethical.

“Park skiers may want to be snowboarders but don’t have the parts they’re supposed to in order to live that lifestyle. Having twin tip skis, so they can go both ways, isn’t enough,” he stated last month on his Facebook page. The twenty three year old has spent the last three seasons in Whistler with his five male roommates in a two bedroom condo. “As for taking freestyle moves into alpine, I’m okay with that. I do like to do some grabs with my bros. But let me be clear, I put the straight in straightline.”

Despite his denial, a series of photos showed up online of a skier in the Blackcomb Superpipe who clearly seemed to be Ralpherton. This has the ski community wondering if the reason he is so against that lifestyle is because it’s one he so badly wants to live.

“I would never, and will never, be seen riding pipe. It’s just wrong,” stated Ralpherton on Twitter this morning. “Besides I’m too busy starting my guiding career. I assist taking a group of guys deep into the backside. I get paid a few bucks to take up the rear and give clients a great experience. This proves I have no business in the park and, on a completely unrelated note, have nothing to do with my very heterosexual lifestyle. Remember, I spend every winter railing chutes and choking on face shots. Nothing is more manly than that!”

 

THIS IS FAKE NEWS! Hating people for where they ski is about as dumb as hating people for who they choose to love.

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