hillary

Clinton Emails Reveal that she’s Super into Boardin’

Categories
ArticlesNEWSSatire

In a move that seemed driven by dubious intentions, FBI director Jim Comey recently re-opened the case into Hillary Clinton’s email scandal. He then announced on November 5th that the investigation hit a dead end when they realized that 521, 375 out the 650,000 emails reviewed “were just about how much she loves hittin’ the slopes on the weekends”.

There were a few well-used expressions throughout the body of emails. Terms like:

-greasy toeslide slashers

-cranked out methods

scooch leg

-Roostertails

-frontside boardslides

….which pointed to one undeniable conclusion: Hillary Clinton is a snowboarder.

“Oh yeah, I love boardin’,” she told Doglotion’s Blaine Wolokowski during a late-night, hot tub interview back in 2002.

Wolokowski refused to comment on the interview itself, but did acknowledge that he’d seen The Secretary of State “send Whistler’s Air Jordan and absolutely stomp it, eh” earlier that day.

There was one other email of significance that she sent to Obama after he gave her details about the one time he went boardin’ in Alaska.

“That sounds pretty sick, bro,” she replied earnestly.

Is this the scandal that’s set to sway everyone over to Mount Trump? Well it all depends on whether you go right or left when you get off the chairlift. History shows us that George W. Bush was a skier, as was Adolph Hitler. Michael Moore, though a little fat, loves snowboarding.

Donald Trump, also a skier, has been strangely quiet in the wake of this news. But that’s probably because his twitter privileges were suspended by his staffers a couple days ago. He has however been quoted in the past saying that “snowboarders, not unlike Mexicans, are ISIS-recruited rapists from China”.

pattygreycup

Perhaps the “toeside slasher” that Hillary was referring to in one of her many enthusiastic boardin’ emails.

He also expressed discontent after buying Lake Louise in early October, citing the fact that he thought he was buying the notoriously ski-centric Alta Resort in Utah.

When Doglotion reached out to Hillary for comment, she said that—win or lose—she’d be out for her annual boardin’ trip to Whistler in the spring.

“Bill and I, we just love the Hairfarmers,” she added with a laugh.

 

Comments




Share This