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A Cynic’s Guide to Coping With Climate Change & El Niño

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Look, everyone knows that skiing as we know it is going down the drain and there is no reason to bother with the sport anymore, right?

Right.

I mean, if you’re not skiing balls deep champagne powder on a daily basis anymore, what’s the point of even going skiing? Spending a day complaining on social media is a much more gratifying experience for all parties involved. Everyone knows that. I for one, would rather spend a day at home on my computer speculating about what the effects an upcoming Pineapple Express will have on conditions than actually going skiing.

And so, in June 2015, rumors emerged that we would be undergoing the most vicious El Nino weather system known to man. I’m talking weekly atmospheric river events with freezing level’s consistently above 2000m and precipitation out the ying-yang. As soon as I caught wind of this approaching phenomenon, I knew what I had to do. I sold my skis, my boots, my home, my first born child, everything. I raised enough funds so that I could quit my dayjob and start being pessimistic about the upcoming season on the internet full time. Within 2 weeks, I had moved back to my parents house and fully setup my workplace in the basement. I was ready.

A self portrait of the author, July 2015

A self portrait of the author, July 2015

Throughout my time debating arbitrary things on the internet, I have compiled a few definitive tips for my  fellow cynic’s as far as how to cope with the upcoming Climate Change and El Nino events. I hope that my time spent discovering these guidelines helps everyone find their inner Nirvana.


Join the Fight Against Making the Most of Things, Funded by Donald Trump  

I am proud to announce that Donald Trump has joined the cause of stopping people making the most of a winter season.

Yes, the man that has denounced all but the Aryan race wants to destroy El Nino.

Yes, I might have sold him on the concept that El Nino is a radicalist Mexican terrorist. Please, don’t tell him…

If you want to join the tight knit group of skeptics who aren’t into making the most of things and would rather be pessimistic about the weather, we’ve designed official Donald Trump hats:

Let's destroy this "El Nino" sunofab****

Let’s destroy this “El Nino” sunofab****

The More Click-Bait Links You Share, the Better

That’s right.

There’s actually scientific evidence that if one shares an article that says we are on track for the worst ski season yet, it will actually make an impact on how less shitty the winter will be!

The most important time to share these links is when the ski season hasn’t even started yet. That way, there is no chance of you being wrong and getting called out. Now you can do your part in helping save the winter much like how Cindy Lou was able to save Christmas in the Grinch. Every little bit helps folks.

ahem

ahem…

Take Up Grass Skiing

The pros have already started training in this new discipline of skiing and raking up sponsors and edits. I suggest to start training ASAP. If you are an up and coming park skiing superstar, how are you going to stay relevant when there’s no longer any snow? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered here.

Instagram Photos From the “Glory Days”

“Something something something #tbt to when it snowed”

This will garnish great success in ensuring that people know you used to ski when it snowed a lot and that it no longer does snow. Sure people might have just had a great day, but it wasn’t AS good as that one vague day 4 years ago. That was killer.

When the Season Picks Up, Stay Skeptical

This one is a difficult one to master. For example, in the last few weeks the PNW has been getting absolutely dumped on. But trust me, this is but an anomaly. Make sure that you tell are your friends that his will not last and that we are doomed. It is essential to stick to your guns during these testing times. And by god, do not even hint at the fact that you might be having fun. If your friends are starting to think you are enjoying yourself, simply drop any one of these phrases:

  • “Yeah it’s alright, but it’s a little crusty underneath.”
  • “Haha yeah today is decent. Not like in 2010 though, that was a wicked year.”
  • “Ugh, I wish this snow was lighter. Stupid coastal cement.”

 

Just Quit Skiing 

At one point, you just have to know when to call it quits.

At one point, even Donald Trump can’t stop people from having fun.

Eventually, you might even start to enjoy a day of skiing this winter despite the fact you told everyone it’s going to suck up there. At this point, all hope is lost. I would just outright quit skiing.

In fact, the best course of action here is becoming a drunk internet pessimist full time.

And so, I want to wish you all luck out there throughout this winter.

Godspeed, my fellow cynics.

 

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